Cancer And Loneliness: The Vicious CycleKatie Taylor
Probably everyone has experienced loneliness at some point in their lives. Feeling isolated is not only emotionally draining, but it can be damaging to our health. Loneliness can be as negative to our health as smoking.
But loneliness is not like smoking. It’s not a habit that you pick up from friends, and there’s no nicotine patch for loneliness. And for those dealing with cancer, loneliness may be especially hard to avoid.
A cancer diagnosis is scary, and it may be intimidating for the friends and family of the cancer patient. People may not know what to say or how to help, and so some will find it easier to simply pull back from the relationship. Even spouses may withdraw in a subconscious effort to protect themselves from the pain of possible loss.
And cancer sends a person to a unique place—suddenly everyday matters seem unimportant when forced to consider your own mortality. Cancer tends to focus a person on what’s truly important, and that may mean that relationships that worked before cancer no longer work during or after cancer. Sometimes even a marriage relationship won’t survive because of how a person changes during a cancer journey.
The physical pain and strain of treatment may make someone feel like their friends and family can’t understand what they’re going through, and it’s likely true. Radiation, chemotherapy, surgery, or whatever treatment a person is prescribed will be extremely difficult, and not having people around who understand is isolating. Well-meaning friends may be eager to share stories that the person dealing with cancer may not find relevant, and listening to those stories can be exhausting. It may be easier for a cancer patient to be alone than attempt small-talk with people who simply don’t understand what they’re going through.
From a practical perspective, cancer treatment may leave little time for a social life. And when a person is not in the hospital, they may be too exhausted to participate in their usual hobbies or social engagements. Side effects like nausea, fatigue, and diarrhea can make even short visits a challenge.
So while many people diagnosed with cancer report wonderful outpourings of love and support from friends and family, others can feel extremely isolated and alone. It’s possible for someone to feel both at different times during their journey.
Dr. Lidia Schapira, oncologist, talks about the marital challenges someone may face after surviving cancer treatment. She says, “The spouse who had cancer often cannot ‘snap back’ to pre-cancer mode. She or he may still be dealing with lingering physical or emotional effects and may, in some ways, not be exactly the ‘same person’ as before… ” Certainly this would affect other relationships as well. If a cancer survivor has made it through cancer and reevaluated what’s important in their lives, they may no longer meet the expectations of their friends, and their friends may not know how to respond.
So during and after one of the hardest times of their lives, someone dealing with cancer may find their support circle shrinking.
What does loneliness do to our health?
At a very basic level, we have a need for connection. According to Dr. Cacioppo, “We’re a fundamentally social species, and a social animal that is isolated is almost certain to live a shorter, more miserable life.” Before modern times (and arguably still today), human beings needed to work together to survive. Being alone was dangerous. When we feel alone, we receive the same signals in our brain as we do when we are in physical danger. Chronically lonely people have higher levels of stress hormones, and this affects their day-to-day life and their ability to fight disease.
Those who are lonely experience less restorative sleep, increased negativity, depressive thinking, and heightened sensitivity to social threats. The stress of being lonely depletes a person’s mental capacity to interact positively with their surroundings. When their basic need of connection is not being met, people move into survival mode and are less able to respond appropriately to social situations and control impulses. Loneliness is supposed to motivate us to care for ourselves, but if our needs aren’t met our loneliness will grow worse.